48 Thanksgiving Jokes Funnier Than Your Uncle’s Hot Takes

Thanksgiving dinner has three phases: the eating, the napping and the 40-minute stretch in between where someone asks why you’re still single. These Thanksgiving jokes are for that stretch. Deploy them early, deploy them often, and for the love of pie, deploy one before Uncle Dave finishes clearing his throat.

We sorted them so you can find the right joke for the right relative. Some are for kids, some are for adults, and some are so bad they loop back around to good. That’s the Thanksgiving spirit.

Classic Turkey Jokes

• Why did the turkey join the band? Because it had the drumsticks.
• Why don’t turkeys ever get invited to dinner parties? They always use fowl language.
• What did the turkey say to the computer? Google, google, google.
• Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove it wasn’t chicken.
• What’s a turkey’s favorite dessert? Peach gobbler.
• Why was the turkey so calm on Thanksgiving? It had already made peace with its stuffing.
• How do you keep a turkey in suspense? We’ll tell you next year.
• What do you call a running turkey? Fast food.
• Why did the turkey refuse dessert? It was already stuffed.
• What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving? The tur-key.

Thanksgiving Jokes for Adults

For the grown-ups’ table, where the wine is real and the patience is not.

• Thanksgiving is the only day of the year you can eat until you’re uncomfortable and then lie down in front of strangers and call it tradition.
• I’m thankful for my family. Specifically the ones who live far away.
• My diet starts Monday. Which Monday? Unclear. Pass the rolls.
• The turkey isn’t the only one who’s going to be stuffed and roasted tonight. Hi, Aunt Linda.
• Thanksgiving: when you spend six hours cooking and 12 minutes eating, then three days pretending you’re not tired.
• Nothing says family bonding like four adults arguing about how to carve a bird.
• I put the turkey in the oven at 6 a.m. I’ve been basting myself in wine since 9.
• My favorite Thanksgiving tradition is leaving early and calling it beating traffic.
• Every year I say I’ll bring a salad. Every year I bring a pie. Growth is a myth.
• Leftovers are the real holiday. Thanksgiving is just the trailer.

Pie and Side Dish Jokes

• What did the pie say when it went to the dentist? I need a filling.
• Why did the cranberry turn red? It saw the turkey dressing.
• What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
• Why did the potatoes argue? They couldn’t see eye to eye.
• What’s the most musical part of the turkey? The drumstick. Second place goes to the gravy boat’s backup vocals.
• What did the gravy say to the mashed potatoes? You’re mash-ing it.
• Pie isn’t dessert. Pie is a food group. We’re not taking questions.
• Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches? They have no hands to knock.

Thanksgiving Jokes for Kids

Clean, short and guaranteed to be repeated 40 times before bedtime.

• What sound does a turkey’s phone make? Wing, wing.
• Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk? To hatchet.
• What do you get when you cross a turkey with a ghost? A poultry-geist.
• Why did the farmer separate the turkey and the chicken? He sensed fowl play.
• What did baby corn say to mama corn? Where’s popcorn?
• Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
• What do turkeys like to do on sunny days? Have peck-nics.
• Why was the Thanksgiving soup so expensive? It had 24 carrots.
• What kind of music did the Pilgrims like? Plymouth Rock.
• Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building? Yes. Buildings can’t jump.

Family Dinner Survival One-Liners

Keep these loaded for when the conversation turns dangerous.

• Great question about my career. Anyway, who made this stuffing? It’s incredible.
• I’d love to discuss my love life, but my mouth is full and will remain full until Christmas.
• Let’s go around the table and say what we’re thankful for. I’ll start: elastic waistbands.
• I’m not ignoring you, I’m digesting. It requires all of my energy.
• Sorry, I can’t hear you over how good this pie is.
• Politics? At the table? In this economy? Pass the cranberry sauce.

Pilgrim and History Puns

• If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be famous for? Their age.
• Why did the Pilgrims’ pants keep falling down? Their buckles were on their hats.
• What did the Mayflower say to the dock? Nice to meet you, let’s not do that voyage again.
• Where did the Pilgrims’ cell phones charge? Plymouth Rock-et chargers. Okay, that one’s a stretch. So are our pants.

Quick Tips for Telling Thanksgiving Jokes

• Read the room. Kid jokes at the kids’ table, wine jokes at the wine table. Do not mix the two.
• Timing is everything. The best moment is right after someone asks a question you don’t want to answer.
• Commit to the bad ones. A pun only fails if you apologize for it.
• Wear the punchline. If you’d rather not talk at all, let your shirt do the talking.

Let Your Shirt Tell the Joke

Not a natural comedian? Outsource it. Our funny Thanksgiving shirts do the talking so you can focus on the stuffing. Try Turkey Coma Loading for the post-dinner nap, Please Don’t Ask About My Love Life as a polite force field, or Here for the Pie, Not the Politics if you have that kind of family. Free US shipping, and they’re printed to order so order a couple of weeks before the big day.

Looking for more ways to survive the table? Read our Thanksgiving games guide next.